I Love You, But What Do I Say?
by Saber Wing
Summary: He could have said it every day once upon a time, but the past was gone, and he wasn't getting it back. How could he do it now, in his final hour? Oneshot, one of two.


_**Authors Note:**_Hi there! This story has major spoilers, so I'll say this again. If you haven't beaten the game, you might not want to read this. It is told from Jecht's point of view, and sort of goes along with _I Hate You (But I Love You)_, another of my oneshots, but that one is from Tidus's point of view. Though it doesn't matter which one you read first, I did write them to go along together, so the readers can put themselves in the positions of both father and son with two separate stories. Anyway, I don't own Final Fantasy X or the characters, blah, blah, you get the picture. On with the story!

**I Love You (But What Do I Say?)**

**By: Angel Wings-008**

Peaceful at last, that's how Jecht liked it. He welcomed these interludes where he could be himself, and not that monstrous abomination that kills and destroys. Being Sin was a heavy burden, especially since it was his to carry alone. The peace never lasted long, but he would take whatever time was allowed him.

The sweet, soft words of the hymn of the Fayth surrounded him, with a comforting effect. He loved the sound, but damn it, it reminded him so much of home…his Zanarkand.

Always lit up so bright and beautiful, and the people were ridiculously friendly. _Well…most of them. I must have been the exception, _Jecht thought with a remorseful smile.

At this, once again the guilt that he hated overtook him. His wife had been way too attached to him for her own good; no doubt she had withered slowly away. Where did that leave Tidus? He was a crybaby as it was, but to lose his mother would have made it even worse. Hopefully he'd straightened up in the past ten years. Had it really been that long? _Amazing…_

He sighed. _I still can't stop that bad habit, can I?_ Tidus was fully grown now, chances were, he didn't need any toughening up. And even if he did, Jecht was long past the ability to do that, he mused to himself.

Jecht wondered to himself what he might be like now. An image of his son came to his mind, the small boy with attitude in his voice, and tears in his eyes. Jecht began to laugh hysterically, as his heart filled with shame.

_Oh, how he hated me. He must still hate me. Can't say I blame him though._

_He's my son and I love him. Jeez, why didn't I tell him? I never told him, not even once. What kind of a father am I? _Suddenly, he gasped to himself._ Self pity too?! Oh, man…I love him, but he sure as hell doesn't know that. Unless…could he understand? Nah…don't kid yourself, Jecht._

There had been good times; not many, but some. Jecht remembered fondly, the memory now. It was a blitzball game, and the Abes had been miserably behind, when Jecht had come back for them at the last minute. He'd been ecstatic about the win, when he'd spotted his son, reluctantly sitting in the stands with his mother. Without a second thought he had rushed over, picking the boy up and setting him on his shoulders to parade him around with the team. He'd even let Tidus have the game ball. That had been one of the only times his son had smiled, when he was around.

_Knows everything by now... What I am, what I've done. Stop me soon kid, please…_

It shouldn't be much longer now, if Auron kept his promise. At least Jecht hoped so. He wondered vaguely if Tidus had ever gotten good at blitzball, but as soon as he did he regretted it. Another stab of emotional anguish stung him. _I wanted to. My job…damn it. My dream…damn it all!_ Jecht's eyes watered and he shook his head, stunned with himself yet again. _Shit, what's happened to me?_ _This fuckin' job has turned me into a crybaby! _He began to laugh hysterically once again, couldn't stop himself for a long time. Finally, when his cynical laughter ceased, he realized something else, suddenly wondering why he hadn't noticed before. _Made me crazy as hell, too. _

A sudden awareness tingled at the back of his mind. _Someone's here. Maybe them? I guess we'll see, _he thought, silently hoping he could talk to Tidus first, before he transformed. He heard footsteps behind him, many footfalls echoing near the steep precipice.

The footsteps stopped, and Jecht knew they must be right behind him. However, he waited, not wanting to turn until he had fully collected himself. Finally, after he felt ready, he spoke. "You're late Auron," Jecht murmured softly.

"I know," his friend replied, in a slightly apologetic tone. Turning around, Jecht spotted Tidus and his heart jumped up to his throat. He stood across from Jecht, similarly scrutinizing his father as Jecht now did to his son. His boy really had grown, so much so it surprised him. He'd gotten tall; if they stood side by side Tidus would only be a little shorter than himself. Instead of the soft shade of brown his hair use to be, it was now a bright blonde. His crystal blue eyes were the same, yet different. They were steady, not broken. They weren't weak, they were strong, and they burned with the passion of his purpose. Uncertainty yes, and a little sorrow too, but who could blame him? _After all he does have to kill his own father, no matter how much I never acted like one. And there is the dream thing of course…I guess my plan worked after all. Criticism did make him strong._

"Hey," he said, after what seemed like an eternity, but was really only a few seconds.

"Hi," his son said back to him. They were both at a loss for words. Many times had Jecht rehearsed what he might say if he ever got to see him again, but try as he might, he couldn't remember what they were. _Think positive…be funny. You were always funny Jecht._

"Hah. You got tall but you're all bones." He forced himself to chuckle like he used to. "You eating right, boy?"

Tidus was smart; he knew what he was trying to do. Jecht was aware of that. Still, his son said nothing as he looked upon him, seemingly tongue-tied. In spite of it all, Jecht felt himself soften. "You've really grown." For a second, the boy still said nothing, and he looked so confused Jecht almost got the urge to laugh. Almost.

"Yeah, but you're still bigger." He tried to say it in a matter-of-fact voice, but Jecht could tell he was mentally kicking himself for saying something he thought sounded foolish.

"I am Sin you know," Jecht stated in a voice filled with false humor, trying to tell Tidus in his own roundabout way that it was alright to stumble over your words every once in a while. Hell, he was winging it too. He had no idea what the next words to come out of his mouth would be.

"That's not funny," Tidus replied in a flat voice that no doubt masked his pain. _He has come to accept that I am Sin, but he still doesn't like it. Neither do I, me and my poor tired soul. _Jecht exhaled softly, and struggled to get the words out.

"Well…I mean…you know," Jecht began, awkwardly stumbling over his mumbled words as he did so. "Let's end this."

"Dad?" Tidus asked, hesitation evident in his tone.

"Yeah?" Jecht answered, ready to answer any awkward question that came his way. Tidus seemed to almost lose his nerve, but than blurted out three words Jecht dreaded hearing.

"I hate you!" For a second, he was surprised for reasons he couldn't explain. He'd known this would happen all along. Jecht laughed without humor, a sorrowful sound escaping the lips of the tormented Fayth of Braska. Just on the verge of hysteria, Jecht noted. _Seems I've been doing that a lot lately…_

"I know, I know," he finally responded. How could he not? He'd treated the boy like shit. For a split second, the young guardian looked guilty, searching his father's face full of raw emotion, but he quickly masked it again under the carefully calm expression he pasted on his face. Jecht completely understood the boy's actions._ No, man. He's a man now._

"You know what you have to do," he murmured in what he hoped was a comforting tone.

"Yeah." Tidus looked confused now, and even a little frustration seeped through his eyes. _I know. You're wondering why I wasn't like this years ago. Sorry, but sometimes that's just the way things are. Not that I'm happy about it…You'll understand sometime. I hope…_The fading words of the precious hymn became more and more noticeable to him. _Guess my time is running short._

"I can't hear the hymn so well anymore. Soon I'm gonna be Sin, completely. I'm glad you're here now." He knew he was staring at Tidus like a proud father would, a loving father. _And I choose to show it now. Smooth Jecht, real smooth. Make it harder for him._

"One thing though. Once it starts, I won't be myself anymore. I won't be able to hold myself back. I'm sorry." Jecht let the grief flood over him, but then heard another voice filled with anguish. A voice not his own.

"That's enough!" Tidus seemed to be in emotional agony, struggling to maintain his composure. "Let's end this, okay?" Jecht sighed with, regret, relief? He just didn't know anymore.

"You're right." Without another word, he turned away. As soon as he thought it was far enough, his footsteps halted. Scanning their faces, which were all intently focused on him, he prepared for what would hopefully be his last transformation. "Well then, let's go!" Jecht taped in to the hateful, deadly power. Over the years he'd learned to control it to some extent, sometimes even able to go somewhere of his own free will, but most of the time, after transforming, his actions were no longer his own.

It grew and grew, the power burning deep inside him, as he stumbled back toward the edge, where he would fall. Taking in the horrified and bewildered countenances of the young summoner and her guardians, he stepped off the edge without hesitation.

"No!" Tidus screamed as he ran toward Jecht, arms outstretched, face frozen in a grimace of anguish and fear. _I'm sorry, _thought Jecht in despair. _I wish you didn't have to see…_

Before he knew it, he was bound inside the horrific beast. Unimaginable pain engulfed Jecht in a cocoon of dread and torture, holding him prisoner in his own body. Jecht opened his mouth to scream, but no sound came out. He tried desperately to break free of this terrible power, but to no avail. Unable to move, he was suspended in one place in the middle of the darkness, as if held by unseen chains.

_Have…to…concentrate. _Sometimes if he did, he could see what was going on around him. Try as he might, for a moment, he could think of nothing but the pain. _Come on…_ Then, after a grueling ordeal of concentration, images slowly made their way into his mind. It was blurry at first, but crept into focus soon after. Red... all he could see was red. _Is it over already?_ Jecht thought, amazed. No, it wasn't. The red was just Auron, apparently attacking, for fresh pain bloomed in his chest, and he heard the beast, himself he supposed, bellow.

Just as suddenly as Auron had appeared, he dodged away again, and Jecht watched as Tidus swiftly jumped in and slashed him with a powerful stroke of his sword. _Wow…_ Jecht couldn't believe the strength he saw and felt from him. The bad news was, he could feel the beast's rage now; that was never a good sign. All of a sudden, the claws of the beast swept out, but Tidus ducked away from the blow, and Jecht sighed with relief. That feeling was quickly wiped away however, when he realized that his next target was Yuna. _Damn it! I already killed Braska, and now I'm killing his daughter…fuck!_ His mind screamed when the deadly claws missed her by a centimeter. Just as the claws inched in again to strike her, Jecht's horror escalating by the second, he heard a voice that still managed to melt his heart, even in this state.

"I won't lose!" his son screamed at him, staring defiantly at the gigantic beast he acknowledged as his father. _I hope you don't_. Jecht couldn't wait for it to be over; he was so tired of this. He had every confidence in the world that they could beat him and Yu Yevon too. They really were Spira's hope.

Suddenly, Jecht's thoughts were cut short when he was hit by many magnificent bursts of light. It was beautiful, yet horrifying at the same time. The Ultima spell had always fascinated him. The irony of it was, whenever he saw it, it was usually being used on him.

He felt the change so abruptly for a second, it frightened him. Then he realized exactly what was happening. _Oh, shit._ Knowing the terrible transformation was about to torment him only made matters worse. Attempting to steel himself against the pain did him no good. Jecht's vision blurred and he was suddenly spiraling out of control. Pain was all he knew, all he was, and ever would be, or so it seemed to Jecht in this endless abyss of agony and misery. Unable to scream, cry, or rip out the hair on his head, it felt as if he were about to explode, and Jecht wished with all his heart that he would. Then, just when he truly was beginning to think that this was hell and the devil was punishing him, it stopped. Just as suddenly as it had begun, it all stopped and he could see everything again.

Jecht would have screamed in frustration if he could have. _Ugh. If I weren't Braska's Fayth I'd definitely be in some insane asylum by now! Who knows, maybe I am, and this is all just a product of my delirious imagination. Yeah, right. I would never come up with something this creative…_

He tuned back in just in time to see Tidus cast Flare on him. A growing power within was becoming clear to Jecht, and he wondered what the hell he was going to do now, but surprisingly, he recognized this particular buildup. _Jecht Beam._ Registering who was directly in its path, his mind froze, and he watched in horror. _Come on, move, get out of the way! I can't hurt my own son! Or worse…_He forced himself not to think that way. Everything was coming in and out of focus, and he saw Tidus' lips move, but he couldn't hear what he'd said. It was becoming more difficult for him to concentrate.

It happened so fast Jecht didn't know what hit him and unfortunately, neither did Tidus. Jecht had heard all the stories from people that everything seems to slow down as you watch your child in pain. Now, he came to the conclusion that this was truer than anything else you can imagine. The Jecht beam hit Tidus head on, the sickening beam of light striking brutally through his chest and his arm.

_Get up…Please, get up!_ Jecht couldn't bear the thought of killing his own son. He saw Tidus move to get up, and Jecht would have shouted with joy, if possible. His blissful happiness only lasted a moment, however, before he saw that trouble for his son was far from over.

Tidus was struggling with all his might to get out of the way, but not quickly enough to avoid the blow that now speeded toward him; he knew that too. His son looked up at him with a neutral look on his face, acceptance evident on his every feature. Perhaps it should have put him more at ease; after all, that meant he was no longer afraid. But somehow, it sent him into a panic instead. Jecht wanted him to live his life for as long as possible, even if it was only for an hour more.

Just when Jecht was certain he was about to watch his child die, Auron swooped in front of Tidus and dealt a savage blow to the monstrous claw that was at least twice his size and Jecht sighed inwardly. _If I were human, I would have had a stroke by now. Auron. What a lifesaver. Ironic that he can now save everyone around him, but he couldn't save himself. The Farplane is calling to you Auron, I sense it. What happened? I guess I'll ask you later. Not exactly protecting Tidus with your life, but whatever. Close enough. You're tired too, aren't you Auron? Yet you stayed here anyway just to keep your promise. I'll never be able to thank you enough. I'll bet Braska is showering you with praises too. _

Tidus had just sat up when Jecht witnessed Yuna rushing to his side. He still couldn't hear them, but it was obvious from the way they acted that the pair were more than just friends, or at least wanted to be. Confirming his suspicions, Tidus lovingly caressed her face, and leaned in the kiss her.

_Aha! I was right! Haha, he really is my son after all! Braska is probably cringing in the Farplane right now!_ Jecht thought with a sly smile.

What happened next was enough to thrill Jecht and scare him at the same time. Tidus turned away from Yuna and locked gazes with him, fierce blue eyes blazing into the no doubt blank orbs that represented his own. His penetrating stare reached out to his father, touching his tattered soul, even from the distance that kept them apart.

Brilliant blue bolts of lightning erupted around Tidus as his gathered overdrive power was put to good use. Leaping forward and up, Tidus repeatedly dug his sword into the thick flesh of Jecht's transformed body, and his mind swam in a torrent of agony and pain. Braska's fayth struggled to concentrate on something, anything but the pain, but failed miserably. He vaguely registered the form of Tidus, sailing in midair to kick, _a blitzball?_ He wondered why, but then again some of his techniques weren't exactly ordinary either.

As abruptly as the pain had begun, it ended, and Jecht knew it was over. The captivating chains that tied him to Yu Yevon were shattered, and the weight of ten long horrible years was lifted from his shoulders. No more destroying would be done with the horrific claws that haunted Jecht's dreams, or daydreams, he didn't even want to think about which it was. Another wave of relief came with the realization that he no longer had to. Nothing else mattered anymore. _Free at last._ The Farplane beckoned to him, and he was filled with a longing he hadn't known in such a long time, maybe not ever. He knew he was about to die, but he welcomed it, for with death came peace. Jecht felt himself fall into his sons strong arms and to his surprise, they tightened around him in an embrace. Puzzled, but happy, Jecht did his best to return it, even though he possessed precious little strength.

_I hope I didn't hurt him too bad…_Jecht thought, as he guiltily took in the wounds he'd inflicted. Tidus pulled back and laid Jecht on his lap, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. Even this close to death it still had the power to wrench Jecht's heart; he'd always hated to see him cry.

"You'll cry. You're gonna cry. You always cry. See, you're cryin'." Jecht smiled softly, comforted that at least some things never changed.

The tears dropped off of his son's cheeks steadily as he looked down at him. "I hate you, dad." However, something in his voice suggested the exact opposite. Tidus looked down at him with love in his eyes, unconcealed and genuine. _He does love me. Now I really can die a happy man. Truly die and rest in peace._

"Save it for later," he heard himself say, his very existence fading more by the second. Jecht was set on the ground and Tidus rose, hurriedly wiping the tears away.

"Right. We have a job to do, don't we?"

Jecht was more impressed with him by the second, and he rose on his forearms with the last of his strength. "Good, that's right. You are my son after all." He gulped through his suddenly very dry mouth._ If I'm gonna tell him, it has to be now. _Jecht was overwhelmed with emotion and love for his child, who had the resolve and strength to put a stop to his madness. He let it show in his eyes, and words became unnecessary between them. Tidus nodded ever so slightly, understanding and love right back projected in those amazing eyes. He spoke in a soft but cheerful voice.

"You know for the first time I'm glad, to have you as my father."

Jecht chuckled, averted his eyes, and hoped he wasn't blushing.

Yuna stepped closer to him, and somewhat hesitantly began to say, "Sir Jecht, I should…" He cut her off, silently appreciating her kindness but not having the time to think on it.

"No Yuna, there's no time!

Yu Yevon circled around, and Tidus, suddenly enraged, shouted, "You stay away!"

"You know what to do. The Aeons…" Finishing the statement wasn't necessary when the all too familiar face of Bahamut's fayth appeared and spoke. "We Aeons."

"Call them!" He locked gazes with Yuna, assuring himself that she got the point. She was Braska's little girl, after all. His time in this world was up, and now that it was over he would probably see Auron pretty soon. Tidus too, unfortunately for Yuna. _He'll miss her, but I'll help him through it. The dream has to end._ The fayth had suffered enough, and deserved eternal sleep. Looking upon Tidus one more last time, he reminded himself that he'd see him soon. His son's serene face gazed back at him in return, excepting of his own fate, knowing what defeating Yu Yevon meant for him. Jecht anticipated the coming bonding and the stories they would share. And he couldn't wait to say:

_You've made me proud._

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Thanks a lot for taking the time to read this whole thing, and please make sure you review. I'll look forward to hearing from everyone. As you may have noticed, I added a few things to the events of the game, such as Tidus kissing Yuna during the battle, which didn't happen in the game. I thought it would be a nice touch. You can expect to see more from me in the future about Final Fantasy X and others. Keep an eye out, and I'll do the same for you. Hope to hear from you!

_12-4-09: _I edited out the grammar mistakes just now, and I worded some things differently to make it sound better. Thought I would mention that. I can't believe how much I missed...


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